★ HOT NEW ISSUE — STILL DAMP ★ ★ WHAT — ME WORRY? ME NEITHER. ★ FREE INSIDE: OUTRAGE, SATIRE & A FREE TOOTHPICK ★ SANTA BARBARA EDITION — NOW WITH 30% MORE SCANDAL ★ THE PAPER YOUR SUPERVISOR DOESN'T WANT YOU READING ★ “BUY THIS RAG OR WE SHOOT THIS DOG.” — THE EDITORS ★ ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS — WE PRINT (AND THEN SOME) ★ EXCLUSIVE: EVERYTHING IS FINE. (NARRATOR: IT WAS NOT.) ★ 100% RECYCLED OUTRAGE · 0% APOLOGIES · 12% INK ★ GOOD CLEAN FUN AT SOMEBODY ELSE'S EXPENSE ★ WARNING: MAY CAUSE SNICKERING IN PUBLIC PLACES ★ READ IT AND WEEP — OR AT LEAST CHUCKLE★ HOT NEW ISSUE — STILL DAMP ★ ★ WHAT — ME WORRY? ME NEITHER. ★ FREE INSIDE: OUTRAGE, SATIRE & A FREE TOOTHPICK ★ SANTA BARBARA EDITION — NOW WITH 30% MORE SCANDAL ★ THE PAPER YOUR SUPERVISOR DOESN'T WANT YOU READING ★ “BUY THIS RAG OR WE SHOOT THIS DOG.” — THE EDITORS ★ ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS — WE PRINT (AND THEN SOME) ★ EXCLUSIVE: EVERYTHING IS FINE. (NARRATOR: IT WAS NOT.) ★ 100% RECYCLED OUTRAGE · 0% APOLOGIES · 12% INK ★ GOOD CLEAN FUN AT SOMEBODY ELSE'S EXPENSE ★ WARNING: MAY CAUSE SNICKERING IN PUBLIC PLACES ★ READ IT AND WEEP — OR AT LEAST CHUCKLE
SATIRE EDITION · SANTA BARBARA COUNTY · ★ TWO BITS ★
Exclusive · MAY 28 · The Front Page

SANTA BARBARA
GETS A WHIPPING!

“The humor magazine that's also a newspaper.” A no-apologies tabloid for the people [REDACTED] doesn't want you to read.

What — Me Worry?★ Satire Edition ★Price 25¢ — Cheap!

Exclusive — Santa Barbara County's loudest newsroom for political video, citizen journalism, savage satire and reader-funded crusades. The Board of Supervisors is hereby on notice — and the dog is fine. For now.

The presses are warm.
Tonight's front page awaits.
THE RUMOR MILL · UNVERIFIED · ALLEGEDLY

SPILL THE TEA!

Who, what, when, where, how — file a tip, watch the newsroom rate it, then let the mob upgrade or torch it.

★ Live confidence rating ★Thumbs of the JuryReceipts welcome
File a Tip Read the Mill
CAB-1986✱ MUNITIONS DEPT · LICENSED HUMORISTS LOCAL 86 · NO REFUNDS ✱
★ PLAYER 1 READY ★Licensed Ordnance DealerHI-SCORE: 9,999,999

ARMORYVEND-A-RAMA LOAD & FIRE

RATED M FOR MEME · CONTAINS SHRAPNEL & SARCASM

DROP A TOKEN —pick a bay, mash the joystick, and the assembly line goes BZZT-CLANG-WHIRR! A freshly forged meme rolls off the line, blue sparks and all. Made to specification by an underpaid robot with three union grievances and a grudge against your timeline.

  1. 1. Load token. Slap cabinet if it eats your credit.
  2. 2. Joystick to bay. Hit FIRE. Don't aim at family.
  3. 3. Collect ordnance from chute. Mind the barrel.

Warning: payload may cause uncontrolled cackling, group-chat exile, and the sudden urge to email your senator a JPEG. Operator unbothered. Recoil sold separately.

B · A · START— Q.A. by a Goblin in a Lab Coat
MEME-O-MATIC ★ ARMS CO.HI-VOLT
BAY 1AOUT OF AMMO
BAY 2BOUT OF AMMO
BAY 3COUT OF AMMO
BAY 4DOUT OF AMMO
BAY 5EOUT OF AMMO
BAY 6FOUT OF AMMO
BAY 7GOUT OF AMMO
BAY 8HOUT OF AMMO
BAY 9IOUT OF AMMO
◄ Joystick · FIRE ►
1A2B3C4D5E6F7G8H9I
Insert Token
1 CREDIT = 1 ROUND
> READY P1_ 
↓ AMMO DROP ↓Catch With Both Hands↓ HOT BARREL ↓
★ SERIAL #WP-08675309 ★MEME-O-MATIC ARMS CO.Forged in a Garage
◄ PRESS START · PRESS START · PRESS START ►
✱ INSERT TOKEN ✱ FREE PLAY DISABLED ✱ AMMO HOT ✱ KA-POW ✱ BZZT ✱ CLANG ✱ HI-SCORE 9,999,999 ✱ NO REFUNDS ✱ NO RETURNS ✱ NO MERCY ✱ READY P1 ✱ READY P2 ✱ GAME NEVER OVER ✱
EXTRA! EXTRA!· Morning Briefing (Satire Edition) · Santa Barbara County
The Conservative Spin

A common-sense, right-of-center read on the morning's local headlines — written for taxpayers, parents and small-business owners who are tired of the official narrative. We cut through City Hall spin, call out reckless spending, and defend free speech, public safety and the people who actually pay the bills. Satire included, no apologies.

No briefing yet today. Check back after 6am Pacific.
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