ELKS RODEO: 'CHAMPION' CANCER KIDS GET BOOBY PRIZES, ADULTS GET DRUNK

Well, bless their little hearts! Our tear-jerking comrades over at Noozhawk have once again reminded us that while the Rodeo Arena fills with the usual suspects — that is, bovine enthusiasts and sundry ne'er-do-wells celebrating animal husbandry – the *real* champions are apparently stashed away in a tent, coping with a disease that definitely wasn't on their childhood bingo card. And here we thought the 'champions' were the ones who could actually stay atop a bucking bronco for eight seconds without spraining something critically important.

It seems the Santa Maria Elks Rodeo, ever a beacon of small-town spectacle and questionable fashion choices, has found a way to inject a dose of pathos into its annual dust-up. Because nothing says 'family fun' like watching a calf get roped while simultaneously contemplating the fragile nature of human existence, right? One must wonder about the thought process behind this particular juxtaposition: 'Let's have some good old-fashioned roughhousing, but first, a moment of profound existential dread brought to you by childhood illness!'

The Whipping Post, ever the purveyor of unvarnished truth, simply asks: Did these 'champions' at least get a decent hot dog? Or were they subjected to the same overpriced, gristly fare as the rest of the 'real' champions inside the arena? Because if you're going to use ailing children as a backdrop to your mechanical bull riding contest, the least you can do is ensure prime rib portions and maybe a decent, non-fluorescent-lit tent. But hey, it's the thought that counts, especially when that thought can be conveniently paraded around for some good, old-fashioned community points.

So, as the Elks Rodeo continues its noble tradition of celebrating… well, whatever it is they celebrate, let's all give a hearty, slightly sarcastic cheer for the 'true champions.' May their struggle continue to provide excellent fodder for local news outlets and, more importantly, may they one day get to enjoy a rodeo from the comfort of a luxury box, far, far away from all the inspirational tents and well-meaning but ultimately tone-deaf adult supervision.