FINALLY, A WORTHY SUBJECT: OLD MASTERS’ AUCTIONS, AND THE RISING PRICE OF NUDES!

Well, folks, hold onto your monocles because KEYT NewsChannel 3-12 has delivered a truly groundbreaking exposé! Forget inflation, crumbling infrastructure, or the ongoing cultural decay; no, our intrepid local journalists have delved deep into the existential anguish of, wait for it, *art*. Specifically, the kind of art that depicts the female form, and the subsequent indignity it suffers when it fetches exorbitant sums at Sotheby's.

We here at The Whipping Post often marvel at the prescience of modern media, but this piece truly takes the gilt-edged cake. Who among us hasn't yearned to understand the inner turmoil of a canvas as it's hoisted onto a sterile gallery wall, destined for a tax-deductible acquisition by some oligarch's offshore foundation? The sheer courage required to imagine the 'feelings' of a two-dimensional object is, frankly, Nobel-worthy. We always thought the purpose of art was, you know, for *people* to enjoy, but apparently, the real story is the unsung plight of the pigment.

One can only imagine the painstaking hours spent interviewing framed masterpieces, extracting their silent narratives of being 'heaved' and 'mounted.' Is there a support group for 200-pound paintings feeling objectified? A union for the voluptuous nudes of the world, demanding better wages for their models (long since deceased, and thus unable to collect)? The logistical nightmares alone must have kept the KEYT newsroom up for nights.

Perhaps next week, they'll tackle the emotional toll on the antique credenza when it's dusted, or the deep-seated identity crisis of a vintage Persian rug, constantly walked upon. It’s a brave new world of journalism, where the inanimate objects finally get their voice, and the living, breathing citizens, well, they can keep waiting.