ICE, ICE, BABY! NEXUS STAFFERS SHIVER AT THOUGHT OF BORDER PATROL IN OUR OWN UTOPIA

Alert the media! Or, rather, commend the media for alerting itself! The tireless truth-seekers at the UCSB Daily Nexus have once again provided a vital public service, bravely documenting the terrifying biweekly sightings of those most menacing of apparitions: U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents. One can only imagine the sheer terror on campus, knowing that the long arm of federal law might, just might, be performing its duties somewhere in the general vicinity of Santa Barbara. One wrong turn off Highway 101, and who knows what untold horrors could befall the precious darlings of our public university system?

Fear not, huddled masses yearning to breathe free (and get a taxpayer-subsidized education)! The Nexus, ever vigilant, is here to ensure that no student or staff member is caught unawares should an agent of the state dare to appear. They've bravely compiled their 'Biweekly I.C.E. Sighting Report,' based primarily on 'community alerts' from the appropriately dramatic '805UndocuFund.' Because nothing says 'hard-hitting journalism' like uncritically relaying anonymous, unsubstantiated reports from an activist group with a vested interest. Pulitzer, anyone?

Indeed, the commitment to 'informing' the community is so profound that the Nexus even provides a full map of these harrowing encounters. We at The Whipping Post commend this invaluable cartographic effort. Perhaps next they'll map out all the local Starbucks with single-stall, gender-neutral bathrooms, just so students can navigate their daily lives with absolute certainty and zero inconvenience. God forbid anyone should ever feel a moment's discomfort, much less face the actual consequences of choices made in a sovereign nation. The horror!