LOCAL SINGER, LOCAL THEATER, LOCAL NEWS: HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!

Breaking News (according to the Santa Barbara Independent): A local musician is releasing a new song and will perform it at a local theater. Stop the presses! Call your mothers! Alert the authorities! The sheer audacity of this scoop, delivered with all the gravitas of a major international incident, truly sets S.B.'s premier alternative weekly apart from… well, any other news source that understands the meaning of 'news.'

One can only imagine the brainstorming session down at the Indy's palatial offices. 'What gripping exposé shall we unleash upon our unsuspecting readership this week?' someone, presumably, asked. 'Ah, I have it!' cried another, 'A singer! In Carpinteria! Doing a show!' The excitement must have been palpable, the coffee surely flowing like, dare we say, a well-tuned acoustic guitar riff.

While we here at The Whipping Post appreciate the Indy’s unwavering commitment to chronicling every single event that transpires within a 50-mile radius – lest a single soul mistakenly believe Carpinteria is some barren wasteland devoid of human activity – we might suggest, gently, that perhaps a 'What's On' calendar might suffice for such pressing cultural bulletins. But then again, where would be the fun in that? We'd miss out on headlines that make us question if actual news still exists, or if it's all just a cleverly disguised community bulletin board.

We eagerly await the Indy's next exclusive: 'Local Man Mows Lawn, Neighbors Report Slightly Tidy Appearance.' Keep up the vital work, folks. Someone has to remind us all that life, in all its mundane glory, continues apace.