UCSB STUDENTS FLOCK TO SUMMER 'INTERNSHIPS' TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE COFFEE

As the hallowed halls of academia prepare to spew forth another generation of our brightest, most entitled minds into the real world, the UCSB Daily Nexus has once again provided incisive, journalistic insight into the pressing issues of our time. This week’s earth-shattering exposé? How to secure a 'return offer' from your summer internship. We can only imagine the arduous investigative hours spent uncovering such groundbreaking strategies as 'showing up on time' and 'not setting the breakroom on fire.'

Clearly, the delicate flowers gracing the benches of UCSB are in desperate need of a primer on the foundational principles of not being completely useless in a professional setting. One shudders to think what unspoken horrors transpire in these 'internships' that necessitate such elementary guidance. Perhaps the Nexus will next tackle the 'best ways to ensure you successfully tie your own shoes' or 'pro tips for remembering to breathe while walking to class.' The mind, truly, boggles.

Indeed, these 'internships' sound an awful lot like paid summer vacations, where the most strenuous daily task involves figuring out how to refill the Keurig without adult supervision. The real 'return offer' most of these budding titans of industry are aiming for is another year of parental largesse, funding their artisanal coffee habits and avocado toast addictions. Don't worry, precious snowflakes, your trophy generation is doing just fine, thank you very much.

So, kudos to the UCSB Daily Nexus for another stellar contribution to the field of 'journalism that states the blindingly obvious for an audience that seems to require it.' We eagerly await their next hard-hitting piece: 'A Comprehensive Guide to Preventing Your Participation Trophy From Tarnishing.'